Regularly Scheduled Programming

Peyton and Loralie were begging me for string cheese because they were starving (which is understandable considering it had been 10 whole minutes since breakfast).  I grabbed two string cheese packets out of the fridge and they were stuck together.  I wanted my kids to think I was a rock star so I opened them both at the same time.  One flew out of the package and landed on the floor.  Peyton wasted no time picking it up.  I was so proud that she would do that without being asked.  I was equally surprised when she handed it to Loralie....until she said, "Here, Juj.  I don't like floor cheese."

******

The girls invented a game that they call "pixie dust."  It involves them jumping off the couch and me catching them and swinging them around like they are flying while they laugh and yell maniacally, "We have pixie dust!".  We recently played this game for a very long time.  After 5 or 10 years I collapsed and said, "Whew.  I am pooped!"

Peyton was stunned.  Then she looked concerned.  She patted my leg and asked, "Do you want me to get you new panties?"

I laughed and said, "No, it means I'm just tired."

Peyton then asked, "You're too tired to use the potty?"

*******

Me: Peyton, did you pee in my bed?
Peyton: No I didn't!  But don't worry.  It was probawee a accident.

******

Peyton and Loralie dumped out a huge box of crayons and colored pencils all over the table and floor and just walked away, looking for something else to do.

I said, "Hey guys! Know what would be good to do!?"

Peyton was eager, "WHAT!?"

Then I replied, "You girls could pick up that huge mess and put it back in the box!"

The excitement kept building for Peyton.  She looked elated and said, "That is a GREAT idea, Mom!"

I said, "Thanks!" I was very impressed that she was being so sweet and that she was willing to pick it all up without complaint.  Then, in a quieter, mini-psychologist voice Peyton dropped the bomb...

"I'm going to have to think about it, though."

*******

Loralie is in a toddler bed now.  Nearly every night she sneaks out of her room and into mine where she wakes me up with a bear hug and shouts, "I GOT YOU!"  Sure, it may be 2 a.m. but I can think of no better way to wake up.

How time changes things

I don't think I'm quite as judgmental as I used to be (I still reserve the right to judge you if you are in your third trimester of pregnancy and wearing high heels.  Show-off).

Cleanliness

Before kids:
"I will NEVER let my house look like that!"

After kids:
"It isn't messy.  It's cozy."

Fun Activities

Before kids:
"Yeah! When I have kids I'll take them to the Play Place all of the time!"

After kids:
"I would never let my children near a freaking McDonald's Play Place.  Staph infection, anyone? E coli?"
(Okay, this one still sounds a little judgy)

Germs

Before kids:
"I will not touch a snot-nosed kid for a million dollars."

After kids:
"Here, let me pick that soggy booger off you cheek without using a tissue."

Before kids:
"Wow.  Great parenting.  How hard is it to wipe your kid's snotty nose?  I will never take my kids out like that."

After kids:
"I'm serious, guys.  It doesn't stop running.  Ever."

Fashion

Before kids: 
"Really, lady?  You couldn't bother to get dressed before going to the grocery store?"

After kids:
"Late night trips to the grocery store stink!  The only good part about it is you don't need to bother to put on real clothes!  Comfortable pajamas?  I think so." (The thing is, I might get a lot of looks when I do it, but I seriously think people are just envious.)


Manners

Before kids:
"I wouldn't say it to my elders but saying 'shut up' isn't bad."

After kids:
"'Shut up' absolutely counts as swearing."
The following are also swear words which you may absolutely not say in front of my children:
fart
idiot
stupid
hate
crap
can't
snack
candy