Regularly Scheduled Programming

Peyton and Loralie were begging me for string cheese because they were starving (which is understandable considering it had been 10 whole minutes since breakfast).  I grabbed two string cheese packets out of the fridge and they were stuck together.  I wanted my kids to think I was a rock star so I opened them both at the same time.  One flew out of the package and landed on the floor.  Peyton wasted no time picking it up.  I was so proud that she would do that without being asked.  I was equally surprised when she handed it to Loralie....until she said, "Here, Juj.  I don't like floor cheese."

******

The girls invented a game that they call "pixie dust."  It involves them jumping off the couch and me catching them and swinging them around like they are flying while they laugh and yell maniacally, "We have pixie dust!".  We recently played this game for a very long time.  After 5 or 10 years I collapsed and said, "Whew.  I am pooped!"

Peyton was stunned.  Then she looked concerned.  She patted my leg and asked, "Do you want me to get you new panties?"

I laughed and said, "No, it means I'm just tired."

Peyton then asked, "You're too tired to use the potty?"

*******

Me: Peyton, did you pee in my bed?
Peyton: No I didn't!  But don't worry.  It was probawee a accident.

******

Peyton and Loralie dumped out a huge box of crayons and colored pencils all over the table and floor and just walked away, looking for something else to do.

I said, "Hey guys! Know what would be good to do!?"

Peyton was eager, "WHAT!?"

Then I replied, "You girls could pick up that huge mess and put it back in the box!"

The excitement kept building for Peyton.  She looked elated and said, "That is a GREAT idea, Mom!"

I said, "Thanks!" I was very impressed that she was being so sweet and that she was willing to pick it all up without complaint.  Then, in a quieter, mini-psychologist voice Peyton dropped the bomb...

"I'm going to have to think about it, though."

*******

Loralie is in a toddler bed now.  Nearly every night she sneaks out of her room and into mine where she wakes me up with a bear hug and shouts, "I GOT YOU!"  Sure, it may be 2 a.m. but I can think of no better way to wake up.

How time changes things

I don't think I'm quite as judgmental as I used to be (I still reserve the right to judge you if you are in your third trimester of pregnancy and wearing high heels.  Show-off).

Cleanliness

Before kids:
"I will NEVER let my house look like that!"

After kids:
"It isn't messy.  It's cozy."

Fun Activities

Before kids:
"Yeah! When I have kids I'll take them to the Play Place all of the time!"

After kids:
"I would never let my children near a freaking McDonald's Play Place.  Staph infection, anyone? E coli?"
(Okay, this one still sounds a little judgy)

Germs

Before kids:
"I will not touch a snot-nosed kid for a million dollars."

After kids:
"Here, let me pick that soggy booger off you cheek without using a tissue."

Before kids:
"Wow.  Great parenting.  How hard is it to wipe your kid's snotty nose?  I will never take my kids out like that."

After kids:
"I'm serious, guys.  It doesn't stop running.  Ever."

Fashion

Before kids: 
"Really, lady?  You couldn't bother to get dressed before going to the grocery store?"

After kids:
"Late night trips to the grocery store stink!  The only good part about it is you don't need to bother to put on real clothes!  Comfortable pajamas?  I think so." (The thing is, I might get a lot of looks when I do it, but I seriously think people are just envious.)


Manners

Before kids:
"I wouldn't say it to my elders but saying 'shut up' isn't bad."

After kids:
"'Shut up' absolutely counts as swearing."
The following are also swear words which you may absolutely not say in front of my children:
fart
idiot
stupid
hate
crap
can't
snack
candy

Waking up is hard to do.

I love Peyton.  And Loralie.

A few days ago Peyton wanted to read books in her room with Loralie and me.  It was pretty early in the morning and Loralie was still sleeping.  I told Peyton that she would have to wait until Loralie woke up.  She shrugged and said, "Okay.  No problem."

I smiled at her grown-up attitude as she walked down the hall to the bathroom.  I heard the sink immediately and thought, "Aww...Peyton is so big!  She gets her own cups of water and tells me 'no problem.'"

Seconds later I heard the pitter-patter of Peyton feet.  Then a shrill, horrifying scream.  I ran to the girls' room, toward the sound of the screaming/crying.

Loralie was sitting up in her crib, looking to me for help with a confused expression on her face.  Wet hair clung to one side of her head and water was dripping down her sleepy face into her eyes.  She was too distraught to even wipe it away.  Peyton stood near the crib with a proud expression on her face.  Before I could say anything, she smiled in triumph and said, "She's awake now!  We can read books!"

My poor, sweet Juju.  What a terrible way to wake up.  I never had a sister throw a cup of cold water on me, but I did wake up once by getting thrown into a pool by my dad.  Not pleasant.

I explained to Peyton that we cannot wake people up that way.  She seemed genuinely concerned and got a towel for Loralie.  As Peyton wiped the water from her sister's face she said in a motherly voice, "Aww..Juj.  It's okay.  I'll read you a book."

A Thursday Play-by-Play

So, Occasionally I have meltdowns.  You know, after crappy or stressful days.  (For some reason, my sister-in-law always sees or calls me on these days.  Kim, I swear, I am not always emotionally unstable.  Cross my heart!)

This is how my day went yesterday.

8:00 a.m. Peyton and Loralie were crying because they wanted cereal.  I got the cereal down and opened the box and dropped it, spilling Cheerios everywhere.  I cleaned it up.  No big deal.  Then I went to pour milk into the bowls.  It was lumpy.  The milk had expired.  We had 2 gallons of expired milk in our refrigerator.  How does that even happen?  We drink milk ALL the time!  Whatever.  No big deal.

8:30 a.m. Finally convince the girls that they really want oatmeal for breakfast.

9:00 a.m. Meet with my internship provider for next semester to iron out how things are going to go.  I am going to be spending a lot of time away from my girlies.  I hate it, but it is only temporary.  Not a huge deal.

10:00 a.m. Continue working on the paper that is due in a few hours that I should have done weeks ago.  I kick myself for always doing this.  Not awesome, but no big deal.

12:30 p.m. Put the girlies down for a nap.  Loralie was sooo sleepy.  Peyton kept her up the night before until almost 11 reading books and singing songs to her.  But, you know, no big deal.

1:30 p.m. Peyton comes into the office and sees that I am snacking and sticks her hand in my bag of snacks and eats.  I told her that she was supposed to be taking a nap.  She said, "Okay.  I just had to change Juju's diaper."  I laughed, thinking she was kidding.  I took another big bite of my snack and said, "Okay, Peyton.  Nice work.  Go to bed."  Then she said..........."Okay.  I have to wash the poop off my hands, first."  I froze for a second.  "Wait. Did you really change Loralie's diaper?"  I looked at her poopy hands that had been in my snack bag and I knew my answer.  I spit out the food in my mouth.  I wanted to throw up.  As I ran to the girls' room Peyton giggled and said, "Not worry.  It is under control.  I did it by myself!"  Loralie was laying in her crib.  Naked.  Wiping herself.  To Peyton's credit, Loralie's butt was very, very clean.  Everything else was not.  The room smelled terrible.  I tried not to make a big deal out of it because Peyton was so proud of herself for being helpful and she kept saying, "I did it all by myself!"  I hosed Loralie and Peyton down in the tub.  They didn't appear to have poop on them, but when everything else had that much poop on it, I just knew that they couldn't possibly be germ-free.  As I did this I made a mental note to wash my mouth out.  With bleach.  Then I wiped up the girls' room.  I couldn't find Loralie's poopy diaper anywhere.  Then I found my blanket.  Peyton had wrapped the open poopy diaper up in my blanket, along with no less than 20 poopy wipes.  I take care of that nasty mess.  Then I put the babies back to bed, and frantically get back to writing my paper.  WHY did I not do this earlier!?  I have no time!  I need to finish this and submit it before I go to work!  But...no big deal.

2:45 p.m. Get distracted from the paper for the 50th time.  This time I am distracted because I know that Chris is in an interview and I'm saying prayers for him and sending positive vibes his way.

3:00 p.m. My client calls to cancel.  Clean up my house because I cannot concentrate in such a huge mess. Messy, but no big deal.

4:00 p.m. Realize that if I get a 40% on this paper, I can still get an A in the class.  Finish and submit my paper.  It is a big piece of crap.  Who cares.  I will pass even if I turn in nothing.  No big deal.

5:00 p.m. Start dinner.  Homemade pizza.  I don't want pizza.  I want grilled chicken.  We didn't have chicken...or anything else.  We have stuff to make pizza.  Awesome.  At least we have food.  Pizza=No big deal.

5:15 p.m. Preheat oven.  No big deal.

5:30 p.m. Notice a weird smell and smoke coming from the kitchen.  Instantly remember that I left my favorite Pyrex bowl full of Puppy Chow in the oven.  This shouldn't have been a big deal.  It was, though.  It was a big deal to me. I think Chris could actually see my heart break and I tried not to cry.  He's amazing.  Instead of asking dumb questions like "How could you forget this was in here?" he said, "No sweat, Kid.  This won't take long to clean up."  Then he cleaned it up.  The plastic lid had melted all over the bowl and there was red plastic melted all over the bottom of the oven.  He didn't complain.  He did laugh.  And as he cleaned he told me how amazing I am for doing all that I do and for being a good wife and mom.  Really.  Best guy ever.  And he had the oven cleaned in time to cook the crust.  Because he is awesome like that.

6:30 p.m. Put food in the oven.  Success.  No big deal.

7:00 p.m. Wonder why the food is taking so long to cook.

7:01 p.m. Notice the over is set to 200.  I turn the oven up.  Annoying, but no big deal.

7:15 p.m. Food is done.  Chris finishes his food just in time to go to work.  No big deal.  At least he actually got food tonight.  Poor guy.

8:00 p.m. Girls will not go to bed.  Probably because they are so amped up from eating a late dinner.  No big deal.

9:30 p.m. Put girls to bed.

9:35 p.m. Peyton finds me to tell me that she changed Loralie, but "it is under control because it is just pee." I walk Peyton back to her room and Loralie is naked.  Peyton hits herself in the forehead and says, "Crap!  I forgot a new diaper!"  Then she covered her mouth and said, "We don't say 'crap!'  It's a bad word!"  I put a diaper on Loralie, but not before she managed to pee on the floor.

9:40 p.m. Clean up pee.  Wonder how Loralie got out of her crib.  Thank Peyton from her help but explain to her that the next time she wants to change Loralie, she should get me first.

9:50 p.m. Shower.

10:00 p.m. Do homework

11:00 p.m. Collapse in my bed.

What Peyton Learns at Preschool

Peyton has been in preschool this semester and she LOVES it.  It has been really good for her and I've seen her grow up and change so much.  Her tantrums are fewer and she actually shares now.  She also randomly started using full sentences.  With big words.  Friday will be her last day of preschool.  As it comes to an end I have been looking over everything that she has learned this year. When she gets home from school I always ask her what she learned.  Occasionally I write down her responses.  Here are a few of her responses when asked, "What did you learn today, Peyton?"

"Umm...we not eat grass!  It's bad!"

"We learned buttons!"

"Don't pick your nose!"

Shrug.  "Three little pigs."

"Did you know there's cooties?"

"If you share, you have so many friends!  If you not share, you're Tabitha."

"Hot chocolate!"

"If you touch a booger, wash your hands!"

"I ate a pumpkin."

"I learned stickers and rocks!"

"Wear panties every day and don't take them off and don't poop in them!  No pee, either!"

"Ummm....I think I learned painting.  I think."

Sigh "Mom, I'm sleepy exhausted.  I can talk after my nap."

What?

I'm sad that it is over but I'm so glad that she was able to participate and grow so much!  I'm also glad that they taught her all of the important things. It makes my job so much easier ;)

Peyton Story Palooza

Peyton was holding something and wanted to put it in her pocket...except she didn't have a pocket.

Peyton: I not have a pocket.  I put it down my pants, okay?

Seriously.  She thinks that putting things down her pants is acceptable and she does it all the time.  Ha.  Reminds me of when she was about 18 months old.  We had dinner at 5:00ish and when I went to change her around 8ish and put her to bed I found out that she was hiding half of her grilled cheese sandwich in her onesie.

~~~~

Loralie hit Peyton.  Peyton was very mature about it.  "Juj, we don't hit kids.  Can you tell me you're sorry?"

~~~~

Chris: Peyton, you may not play with your friends until you eat all of your dinner.

Peyton: (Innocently, with puppy dog eyes) But Dad, you got to be keeding me.

~~~~

Peyton sat straight up with big eyes and announced, "I have to pee!!!"  As she sprinted down the hallway, Loralie stood and pointed to the bathroom shouting, "Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!" I predict Loralie will make a great coach someday.  

~~~~

Lately whenever Peyton goes to the bathroom, she sprints and as soon as she sits down to pee she says, "Whew!  That was a close one!"  Then Loralie claps for her.

~~~~

Loralie dumped a box of crayons all over the floor.  As Peyton picked them up she shouted, "Do you see this, Santa!?  Are you watching me choose the right!?"  About a minute later Loralie tried to dump the crayons out again and Peyton hit her.  Then, Peyton looked at me with big, panicked eyes and said, "Umm...Santa not see that.  Okay?"

~~~~

Peyton: Juj, you ripped this.  I'm never going to be so happy again...

~~~~

On Thanksgiving Peyton asked, "Mom, is today happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving?  I am not remembering..."

~~~~

Be nice when your friends tell you what they are naming their babies.

I currently have several pregnant friends.  Bringing life into the world is exciting.  People should be excited for them.  Are people always excited for them?  No.

Sometimes they are downright rude.  Especially when it comes to baby names.

I had a friend who did not tell people what she was naming her baby until after her baby was born.  Why?  Because she new that people were going to go out of their way to make her feel crappy about it.  I didn't really understand why she felt the need to keep it to herself.  I do now.  I got grief when I told people that my daughter's name would be Peyton.  Don't even get me started on choosing to name our second baby Loralie.  Do rude comments make me like the name I've picked any less?  No.  They do make me like the rude person less, though.

Right now I want to just take a minute to talk about baby name etiquette.  Here are a few rules that shouldn't need to be explained but....

1.) If you ask somebody what they are going to name their baby and they tell you the name they have selected, it is not polite to suggest better baby names or make weird faces or to say rude things*.

2.) Only give name suggestions if you are asked for name suggestions.

3.) After being told the baby's name it is rude to tell the expectant parents that you had a pet with that name.

4.) Rudest comment I have ever heard: "I went to school with a kid named (insert name).  They are in jail now.  I guess (insert name) was this huge pedophile and got arrested for molesting kids."  Yeah.  Don't say that.

5.) When somebody tells you that they are naming their baby a name that you hate, appropriate responses are "I love that!"  "How original!"  Or nothing.  That's right.  Don't make a comment.  BUT this is not permission to silently roll your eyes.

6.) If the expectant parents are set on a name, do not proceed to tell them all of the ways that mean kids will make fun of them for it.

7.)  The only person who should complain about a child's name is the child.  When they are old enough...after they do an assignment in school and discover their name means "short-nosed man."  Thanks, Mom ;)


That is all I can think of.  Can you think of anymore?

And to all of my pregnant friends enduring grief over what they are naming their baby, hang in there!  For the record, I think it is a great name!

* Rude comments include any variation of "ew " and "well, if you want to ruin your kid's life..."